Death and New Life

Since my uncle died, I am the last living member of my family, and I'm sterile. So evolution has pretty much given up on this DNA experiment and from now on the human race will have to move on without us.

Sophie, my bastard ex-wife, found the ticking of her biological clock louder than her feelings for me and took her fertile womb to somewhere in Florida last year. Apparently the sperm count is higher there, something to do with the heat and all the Cuban food. Understandable, I guess. When she left I was both sterile and skint.

Then my reclusive uncle died and I found myself totally single and with more money than I'd ever had in my entire life. And it's these two forces, heartbreak and death that brought me to Italy to find a new life. Almost all of my mates reckon I'm running away from life, but most of them spend all of their time complaining about how shit their lives are and worrying about the credit crunch.

Then there is England. Or rather then there is London. A great city, until they imposed the smoking ban. I can remember when smoking used to be fun. A packet of Malboro, a Zippo and a pint of Guinness in a warm London pub made life worthwhile, but all of that is gone and now all that is left is huddling outside of pubs in the cold and wet whilst stuck up non-smoking pedestrians make coughing sounds as they walk by. Wankers.

They've got the same smoking ban in Italy, but there are a few differences. For one thing most of the year it is a positive bloody pleasure to sit outside at a cafe, drink good coffee and puff away on a few ciggies. On top of that everyone in Italy smokes and they don't wave their arms about or throw a hissy fit when you light up. Bliss.

So it's odd. Some people, like my ex-wife, leave their homeland to make babies, some people travel to find work and me, I've fled dear old England because it hates people who smoke. But let's face it, I'm single and sterile, so what does it matter how I kill myself.

And on on that thought I think it's time to visit the balcony so I can watch Italian drivers trying to kill each other with cars, whilst I do the same by filling an ashtray.